Me & my uterus

Me & my uterus haven’t got the best relationship. Never have had, if the truth is told.
From the day I started menstruating at  thirteen up to the present day, my uterus has been a pain in every sense of the word.
So Friday will be interesting. 
I’m booked in for a uterine ablation procedure. This should destroy my womb lining and leave me with very reduced periods. Which will be a huge relief and a vast improvement on my current situation.
Fingers crossed for an easy procedure and fast recovery!

Only downside is that my lovely boyfriend is coming to look after me and I’ve been told by him that I have to get a note from the doctor or there will be no sex.

Hmm. We’ll see…

Very, very gall-ing

Such a bad pun, but I couldn’t resist.

I have gallstones. Several apparently. I discovered this after a couple of outbreaks of extreme pain following rather rich meals.

After an excruciating night where I was unable to sleep and genuinely began to think I might be having a heart attack, I went to the doctor.

From there I was sent for an ultrasound and blood tests and then my doctors surgery called to ask me to arrange a phone consultation with my gp.

After a terrifying chat with my gp where he told me the risks of pancreatitis (& death) I was sent to a surgeon for another consultation, prod and scare-inducing chat.

Now I’m just awaiting my letter from the hospital to tell me when I’m going under the knife. I’m part terrified and part eager for this bit.

Eager, because being in pain a lot is pretty shitty really. Terrified, well that’s obvious!

Like a lot of people, I’m scared of hospitals. Like even more people, I’m scared of general anaesthetic. And.. like a huge number of people, the idea of someone chopping me open with a sharp knife and poking about in my innards is frankly nauseatingly scary. I’ve been told in no uncertain terms that there isn’t really a choice though. So I’d best get my had around the idea and fast!

What makes you feel loved?

I’ve had a rather introspective day today.  I’ve had a lot of those lately though.

My partner and I tell each other often that we love one another. We cherish each other in shall ways on a very regular, if not daily basis.

This has led to my partner telling me how loved he feels. I know what he means, I feel utterly secure and cared for, which is wonderful.

I have been thinking today about what he does that makes me feel loved, and from there pondering what I do in particular to make him feel cared for.

What is it that gives that sense of total intimacy and trust?

I’m still thinking…

In the meantime I’ve also tackled the laundry mountain today, tidied party of my daughter’s nightmare of a bedroom, been shopping, destroyed two fledgling wasp nests in my summer house, sun bathed, had coffee with a friend, cooked dinner and die trawl school runs.

About to tackle the bathroom and the ironing and then my day off from work will be done!



Not for profit.

I haven’t been blogging for ages and I think the problem is simple.
I previously used my old blog as a diary. It was just for me and I loved it.
After a rather stressful few years, I thought “fresh start, new blog”.
I had friend’s telling me I could review stuff and get paid etc. And I thought ” hmm could do, why not? ”

But here’s the thing.
I don’t work that way. Clearly.
I write for the joy of writing. I write for the purpose of getting my thoughts in order, and as an aide mémoire.

I don’t like feeling under pressure to write to a deadline. My life is quite pressured enough thanks.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people who go to lots of free blog events are either stay at home parents – so blogging fits into their lifestyle nicely.
Or they are people who don’t work full time/ have lots of responsibilities.
Or they are like me, crazy busy.. But just have crippling insomnia and so can squeeze lots more into their days!

Either way, I’m going to revert to writing just for me.
If I review stuff, it’s stuff I’ve bought, that I like (or loathe) enough to be arsed to write about!


So it’s winter.
My body and brain have clearly felt it to be distinctly wintery and depressing for some time.
I can tell.

Ooh yes, the ever increasing list of draft posts on here, awaiting my ability to complete things.
The strong desire I have to never, ever leave the fucking house again.
The grumpy moods.
The dry skin.
The impossibility of getting out of bed in the morning.
The lurgy.

I’ve suffered depression on and off since I was in my early teens. Sometimes mild ‘blues’ which I’ve managed to shake off fairly easily. Other times deep, dark chasms that I fell into and then could not extricate myself from.

I think I’m currently in mild blues mode, so I’m forcing myself to remain sociable.
The worst thing I can do right now is let myself totally withdraw. Although, I’ve been pretty withdrawn on social media for a good few months…

I keep putting that down to hibernation in the winter, but coming down with a stinky cold is not helping.

So, an aim!

An aim to keep me mentally busy.
I’m going to get on with my film list on here and try to write a little something at least a few times a week about films I have watched.
That will keep me occupied through the long, grim winter.

Motherly Guilt

I’m having a day filled with motherly guilt today.
My back pain has been extremely bad today, so bad that I haven’t even felt up to leaving the house. This is thankfully a very rare occurrence but I’m feeling terrible about it now.
I’ve had my children all weekend, and although we had a busy and fun day yesterday, today has been quiet.
They haven’t complained.
They have played minecraft, played with their Lego, read books, watched Netflix and Strictly Come Dancing with me.
We have had hot chocolate and pancakes, cuddles on the sofa and so on.
Yet I still feel guilty that we haven’t actually ‘done’ anything.
We haven’t gone out.
There were no walks in the woods, visits with friends, swimming or trips out.
I start physiotherapy in less than two weeks, and I can only hope that it helps me get back to bring relatively pain-free again soon.
I hate not being able to do things with my children just because of my health.

Bed theft!

I came out of the shower this morning to be greeted with this sight.
Bed theft!


I can’t really pretend I mind though.. Both children absorbed in their books, snuggled up in my bed. Just wish I could have got in with my book, instead of having to go to work.

Pain Management

I’ve been a bit quiet as I’ve been struggling with pain management and full time working.
That’s the shitty thing with long term health issues, they flare up from time to time, generally when you could really do with them NOT flaring up.
Working full time while being primary carer for two children is a juggling act as it is. Being reduced to tears by back pain while trying to manage everything is just horrendous.
My MRI results are delayed due to a back log, and I can’t get referred for physiotherapy until I have the results. Although I’m trying to do some gentle exercises on my own, I’m stymied by the sheer pain levels and total lack of time.
So at the moment my pain management plan consists of lots of strong painkillers, hot water bottle in bed and in the office, resting when I can and, most important, taking a deep breath and trying not to be a grumpy mummy just because I’m tired and frazzled with the constant pain. Aaargh!

I keep reminding myself to stay positive. I’d managed to get to a really good stage of recovery previously. I will do that again. It will just take a little time.

One of those evenings..

It’s been one of those evenings.
Nothing particularly wrong with it, just a simple case of trying to cram too much in while caring for children too.

Finally both children were in bed. I headed downstairs to make packed lunches for the next day and do the dishes.
Feeling peckish I put some bread under the grill while I finished my chores.

Cue repeated interruptions from both children.
All I want to do is tidy the kitchen, and collapse on the sofa with some nutella on today and a cup of tea!

I’ll get there eventually.. But aaargh.. Why is it always on night’s when I feel like this that they play up?!

Lego Storage

Lego is a fantastic toy. I loved it as a child and I love it still.
I love how it encourages imaginative play and fosters independence by letting children create their own games or follow instructions alone if they wish.

We have a vast amount of Lego! I had lots from when I was a child and then as soon as my children were old enough, I have bought lots and lots more.
Storage was a problem though.
I’d tried all sorts. Boxes, tubs, an old sideboard, chest of drawers, toy chest etc.
Nothing worked.
Then I had a lightbulb moment. They don’t WANT to put it away, out of sight. These are their previous creations.
But… I don’t want the playroom floor to be a perpetual sea of Lego.

So, after much thought, I headed to IKEA with the lovely Dan from DannyUK for heavy lifting purposes 😉
I bought a large, white Kallax unit with two drawer inserts and two cupboard inserts.

It’s currently partially assembled (still need to put the cupboard inserts in) but the children have already filled it with some of their Lego. I’m thrilled with it, and am now naturally itching to sort out the rest of the playroom!

The children are delighted too. They can set up little scenes on each shelf, easily see what they have and reach everything themselves.