My body image

I have a reasonable body image I think. At least I do most of the time. Generally I’m fairly OK with my figure. I’m aware it’s not amazing and that I’m fatter and wobblier than I want to be. I’m not so desperately unhappy that I would starve myself or make myself ill.
I’d just like to lose a little bit of excess weight and tone up those problem areas.
I did have a while of being desperately disappointed in my body.
I had eating issues in my late teens and early twenties and was pretty obsessive about not putting weight on. Having children I had to gain weight obviously and I hated it.
I loathed my pregnant body. The huge distended stomach made me think of the Alien films. Nothing fitted me. My breasts were enormous. Like a shelf of fat constantly in my peripheral vision. Following a crash c-section with my daughter I was left with a ‘shelf’ above which a layer of fat hung. I hated it.
I took up running and managed to lose most of the weight I’d gained and also managed to shift the dreaded shelf.
When my son came along I was equally miserable during pregnancy. In retrospect it’s easy for me to see that I had ante-natal depression, but at the time I just struggled through. There are precisely 5 photos of me pregnant. Of those only 3 were taken with my knowledge. That’s 18 months largely undocumented because I was so miserable with my body.
Following a second c-section (and a surprise appendectomy) I injured my back and have been unable to exercise for more than a few months at a time. Each time my progress is halted by a flare up of my disc problems.
This has been rough. I don’t like dieting. I prefer to just exercise more and burn the weight off that way. But I can’t do that now. So I’m having to learn to accept my body is bigger than it was and that changing it is taking time.
In a perverse way this is probably good for me. I’m a bit more accepting of my figure now. I no longer hate bits of myself.
It’s also meaning I’m having to actually think about what I eat a bit more. I’m a poor cook and not interested in fancy dishes, but I do need to eat a healthy balance diet, and now I do.
Currently my back is in a good state so I’m reintroducing exercise and hoping to see little changes over the next few weeks.
Wish me luck!

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